hungry.

so, lets start somewhere. the chaos of last week just had me dragging on and on. well the past few weeks haven't been the world's greatest. about a month ago i had felt so close the Lord and it was incredible, recently i have struggled to have that same feeling. i have been just struggling. no explain as to why, i just have. the process of healing from a situation like mine definitely isn't easy. i thought that once i started feeling great i would never feel the way i did before, broken and hurt. well-that is not true. i'm starting to realize this healing business is a roller coaster. if i let my guard down even for a second, i find myself in a downward spiral. God is still present in my life, for sure, but ive felt quite distant. digging back into the word is going to be what helps me regain my footing. i'm starting to read first timothy and it has already been awesome. here is a passage:
first timothy 1: 15
"here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners-of whom i am the worst. but for that very reason i was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an exmaple for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. now to the king eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen."

so here i am, before you all. a sinner. but thank goodness Jesus came to the earth to save sinners. He did that so He could display His power, His patience. it is all about His glory. and through me, He can display Himself. WOW. i could rip myself apart about my sin and my constant battle with sin-but i am brought to this. i am redeemed. Jesus counted me worthy of saving, and now-worthy of using. using me to share His power. by confessing my sins-i can also confess His grace, power, and forgiveness.

chaos and confusion.

okay so it has been almost a week since i blogged, epic fail. the chaos of the past week is insane. busy every day. i went home this weekend :). wonderful stuff. i won't be going home again until like late march-AH! i cannot believe my nicaragua trip is approaching this fast. i barely have time to get myself together! i leave in less than two weeks. this week will go by too fast, i know it. today is my day to kind of get it all 'together'. studying, projects, papers, assignments, etc. awesome. i think i have a test on thursday-who knows?!? well this morning i woke up like usual and went to my first class. walked in and everyone was receiving tests. what?! i had no idea-no idea. and i didn't even have time to open up my notebook and get a quick glance. i hadn't seen/heard the material since last wednesday. i don't think i like bombed-but, i did bad. real bad. whatevers. it is over now. just need to take time to breathe and work harder. BUT, i must refocus on the Lord this week, too. i have gotten a little busier and things aren't where i would like them with Him. gotta keep you posted on that. going to spend some quality time in the word today. studying more on joshua. :). well, for now, i'm signing off. have to do a lot of HW today, finish a bunch of graphs for a project, leadership meeting, bible study, class, cleaning, laundry, and studying. we'll see :)

so thankful. so thankful.

quick update. so--recently i've been having some difficulties with small tasks such as reading/writing/spelling/remembering words/etc and yesterday had a pretty serious/lengthy spell of dizziness...i decided well-i just need to go and get this looked at. moreso for me to just stop worrying about it and really just pinpoint it is just the fact i'm a college kid, don't have the best diet, and i don't have the greatest sleep pattern. unfortunately-i had no idea that it would be a day of testing. i spent yesterday at the hospital while they performed a brain scan on me. i really was scared. i never voiced this fear because, well, i really didn't want anything to come out of it at all and saying something would have acknowledged the possibility of it. as i was getting an mri done on my brain i had a lot of stuff just running through my head. thinking of how i would react if something very serious were going on. how would i respond to the Lord? would i say "i trust You"? how scared would i be? i layed there and reallly just prayed and thought of these things. the peace of the Lord really fell upon me in those moments. i knew i had many back at home praying and some here at school and no doubt i was scared-but, i knew God was in control in that very moment. praise the Lord that the test showed no brain tumor/leison/anuerism or MS. the reality of what the Lord has saved me from hearing the good news was stinking awesome. unfortunately, they still have no idea what is going on. but, the major things have been ruled out so i'm just so thankful for that. i see a neurologist on friday at 9 a.m. and assume i'll be getting more tests performed then and hopefully narrowing down the cause of all this. i pray it is something simple that just got out of hand, or you know what? i pray it is completely gone, whatever it is. God is so capable of that. so yeah-just wanted to update my current situation on here.

i have so much school to do it is insane. need to try and figure out how in the world i'm going to do it though. hm. we'll see.

valentines weekend. hm. lovely?

okay-this weekend was actually stinking awesome! friday it snowed-a lot! we had a friend over, her name is angela and she is from malaysia! she has never seen snow before and friday i was able to blessed by being around her when it started snowing! it kind of made me feel a little bad because i was complaining earlier in the day about snow and to hear angela talk about how beautiful and wonderful it was was a little convicting! it was an amazing night! had a giant snowball fight with lots of friends, built many snowmen/penguins, and ate snow cream! yummy! i was worried about the weather for saturday because i had plans to go to savannah, ga and i didn't want to cancel. luckily, it was all melty in the morning. i drove to savannah and got to see a friend i haven't seen in a long time. we shopped for the entire afternoon then i ventured back to columbia. it was such a fun day, after such an amazing night before. it was nice to laugh almost the entire day, even if it involved me getting embarassed while being forced to try on camo. when i got back i went and shot some basketballs at the strom with a friend and got a good 2 hour practice! i'm getting pretty dang good..bahah. i wish!
that brings us up to today-valentines day. this morning i went to church and we talked about 2 timothy 4. how we need to be encouraging and reproving. the word of the Lord is sugar-coated way too much. we just talked about we need to truly live the gospel and preach it. pretty convicting. all too much i get nervous about rubbing people the wrong way or whatever- the gospel is truth. and that needs to be shown to people, in love of course. but, still. also-in the college group we talked about the second half of james 1. talking about how we need to be quick to hear and slow to speak. and the authenticity of faith. what it looks like to be not only hear-ers of the word, but do-ers. hm. pondering that. what does that look like in my own life? what do i need to lay down, in order to pick up the truth and live that out?

this afternoon i got a lot of errands done and just got to relax around. i'm now sitting in my room at my desk while one of my roomies is cooking dinner with her boy in our kitchen and the other is at her boyfriends apartment cooking dinner with him. i actually dont mind at all. it has given me a lot of time to think and such. God has blessed me so much lately. He is awesome. His love really is captivating. how awesome.

well-still going to make some valentines day crafts. awesome-still like a 5 year old. :) love it.
pink pancakes for dinner. they will include chocolate chips, too. awesome!

.....

so, i went shagging last night and it was absolutely wonderful! i had the most fabulous time...the best i've had in quite some time, actually. good to catch up with people i don't really see throughout the week. this morning i had class and got to hang out at bcm for a while after. i love time with friends :). okay-so last night i was reading the word while eating dinner and i decided to venture all the way back to the old testament. i normally am kind of scared about going to the old testament. sometimes i just don't understand the story or what in the world is going on. i decided to read about joshua. basically here is the news:

joshua took over after moses had died. joshua fulfilled moses' legacy and led the people into the promised land. joshua was completely obediant to God and heard the Lord's instruction before anything he did. i was wondering last night what that must have been like. joshua was so dependant on the Lord that he waited to hear from Lord before doing anything. it is like joshua was so in-tune with the Lord he got step-by-step instructions. i wonder what my life would look like if i were that in-tune to the Lord i heard his voice all the time...praying about that :). anyways they took down the walls of jericho and one specific intrstruction from the Lord was that nobody would take anything found in the city (i.e. gold/silver) for themselves but it would all been given to the treasurey of the Lord. well- a man named Achan was disobediant. due to achan's disobediance the israelites suffered consequences when they tried to fight against their enemies. joshua was broken before the Lord about Israel's loss...this is what the Lord said to him in regard to Achan's disobediance:
"I will not be with you anymore unless you destroy whatever is among you that is devoted to destruction." joshua 7: 12
WOW. applying that to my own life...how can i fully expect the Lord to be with me, fighting my battles, if i am devoted to things that will destroy me? wow. that needs to settle with me for a while longer to truly realize what is in my life that is destroying me and keeping the Lord from being fully in my life. so yeah-that is freaking awesome. God is so cool-that came from the old testament :) i'm looking forward to gaining more from reading the rest of joshua!

**breathing deep**

well-test one=piece of cake. test two=piece of poop. seriously, though. the anatomy test was a real disappointment. it is over-that is the only good thing about that test. i suppose i feel be better prepared for the second test! lets hope! i've been working like crazy this afternoon to catch up on all of the other schoolwork i neglected doing since i was studying so hard. ewe. well my bible study went so well on monday! we just talked about beauty and what it is. we talked about how we are the image bearers of God. we, as girls, have the important role of showing the world God's beauty. and no, i'm not talking about God's pearly whites. i'm talking about His heart. so..wonderful times. yesterday was crazy busy. it was one of the most WONDERFUL days. it is such a beautiful thing when you get to experience God's grace, love, and forgiveness. so wonderful! well i gtg more on this later!

Alicia

...

so. life is going to be crazy these next few days. and when i say crazy, i mean crazy. i have two tests this week, projects due, and other obligations....today i have class, leadership, study group, bible study, and lots of studying for a test tomorrow. eek. i thought i didn't push it all until the last minute, but i'm starting to see that i might have actually done just that.

s0-my next post will come wednesday afternoon. shortly after i come out of my first anatomy and physiology test. i cannot wait for that moment. just fourty-eight hours away! yay! this weekend was a fabulous weekend. seeing my family always makes me happy. we were playing ninja in the foyer area of our house as a family and it was truly magnificent. it just reminded me as to why my family is so wonderful. i also got to hear my dad sing a solo at church, a very enoyable thing i'm lucky i was home for :).

i didn't watch the superbowl. i know, am i american? and i'll tell you, i am. hah. i actually had a friend drop by on his way back home and we watched a movie and caught up. it was really nice. well-lots of stuff going on. trying to organize my month before i leave for nicaragua. still pray for me as i make financial decisions for the trip. i am super pumped to be used by the Lord in Nicaragua! okay-signing off for a few days. catch up soon.

but, i will leave this post today with a quote from john piper:

"self-forgetfullness in the presence of the Greatness of God brings us complete joy"
-God is not an ego-maniac. He desires for everything to bring Him glory (including our entire lives), in order that we may have our joy made complete. And God knows the only way that is possible is when we are totally glorifying Him. tough pill to swallow, get some water.

sweetness.

so-this morning i was hit with something huge. a huge blessing, again. i am so undeserving! so God has just revealed to me sweetness. the sweetness of fellowship with Him, my savior, in brokennesss. sweetness that can only come from truly realizing He alone is God and i am not. being broken before the cross, i get that. now. finally, after a long time. i've never felt a love so peace as i do when i neal before the throne of God and confess my need for a Healer. another sweetness, too. nope, it doesn't stop there! sweetness of fellowship with brothers and sisters who are also broken. being vulnerable together, as a unit. being broken over similar things and being broken over completely different things, doesn't matter. experiencing this incredible love together. i am realizing i should strive to be broken more often. it shouldn't just come when things in life seem to crumble and MY earthly plans are stripped away. it should come every morning when i wake up and realize, I need my Savior. i need Him. in every moment. the sweetness of worship is crazy, the sweetness of fellowshipping and living in His grace is undescribable, and the sweetness of unity with others in the need of a savior. phew. God is huge. the beauty of the Lord is that He tells us we're not filthy anymore, we're not captive anymore, we're not broken anymore, mercy is yours. we are spotless, we are holy, we are faultless, we are whole, we are righteous, we are blameless, we are pardoned, we are His. we're not guilty anymore. MAN. (that came from a song, but still, it's truth)...trying to live in that today. God's awesome.

...mhm bop.

woke up today at 715. that explains it all. haha. went to bed at like 1. what am i thinking when i decide to stay up longer/later? hm. 8 a.m. classes shouldn't really exist. it's true. what will my day consist of today? well- a nap for starters. after this, i'm going back to sleep for like an hour or so. i need some sort of rest. one of my classes for today was cancelled so i just have one left! yes! i decided i'm not going shagging tonight. i have two tests next week, i'll try to get caught up before the weekend. speaking of the weekend, i'm going home! i haven't been home in several weeks and i miss it! i'm going to be babysitting and trying to get some more money towards my trip....i'm kind of looking forward to resting up this weekend as well. um-so another ongoing event in my life right now. reading the book of daniel, as suggested by my friend Haley :). it is awesome. let me tell you about it. sooo, daniel is asked to enterpret king Nebukanezzer's (sp? i'll just refer to him as King N) dream. the king has a dream about this really tall tree and lots of wealth, etc. then basically, everything is stripped away. the tree is cut to a bare stump and cattle and animals are everywhere and there is little prospering anymore. the dew of heaven is everywhere, however. okay so-that was a rough enterpretation. now-daniel explains that this tree is King N. king N is very properous and has lots of wealth, however, king n is prideful and thinks he is responsible for his kingdom and all that is good within it. God was going to strip away all the King N had (the tree being cut, etc) and make him have a mind of an animal. he would wander and sit about for a period of time until king N finally realized all he had was fromt he Lord almighty. God is repsonsible for all things, they are His alone. so king N listens to this enterpretation and goes about his life. soon enough, everything falls apart and the dream comes to life just as daniel said it would. idk-this is very rough. it makes sense in my own mind.
basically, what i get out of this is that all i have is from the Lord. He is the giver and taker of all things. i am blessed to experience them for my ownself, but God is sovereign and just. He humbles us when we feel most prideful. just when i feel like i am onto something great, He does one of two things. He lets me continue in my arrogance and learn from the results of my sin OR He strips it all away..showing me that He is everything. bringing me back to the point of realizing my desperate need for a savior. make sense? hope so. okay-well off to my nap. just a brief insight to what the Lord is teaching me. awesome. He is good. fairwell.

He is jealous for me.

So, yesterday was quite a day. i felt completely overwhelmed almost the entire day. i tried to control my thoughts from dwelling on circumstances and situations i have no control over. the pain almost seems so deep sometimes. i am not depressed or trying to rant over and over about being hurt, but i feel defeated by my own mind sometimes. i try to focus on things above, but sometimes it is a losing battle. i'm trying to counter these thoughts and emotions by replacing them with prayers, songs, and scripture. it is nothing i can overcome in just one day-this HAS to become my new lifestyle. i'm happy i'm learning this now, but it sucks it is in the midst of many other things going on. so yeah-God is sovereign still. He is loving and comforting. He answers the calls of His children.

today will also be a busy and eventful day. studying, cleaning, laundry, errands, class, basketball! craziness! two tests next week. eek. anatomy and physiology coupled with speech pathology. intense stuff. last night was the Q&A time for the series how to have a marriage better than your parents. it was incredibly awesome. lots of wonderful questions were asked and i def. took away a good amount of knowledge. i knew some of it, but it is nice to be reminded and refreshed that marriage can be one of the biggest joys i'll ever have in my life. notice the, can be. i must passionatly pursue Christ and so must my future husband. praying for that right now. i know God will prepare me someone who loves Him more than anything. it may take forever and a year to find this person, but God is sovereign still.

about nicaragua. so, 8 days ago i announced i would be going to nicaragua and i needed 850 dollars for my trip. today i announce i only need 150! this is awesome. such a blessing. God has given me so much these past fews months. i feel so privileged to be able to work for His kingdom. yay! and the trip is almost a month away! yay! i cannot wait. been trying to talk to atleast some of the people i'll be going with. i know two. awesome. :) just feeling His blessings.

another new piece of juicy. i was chatting with a friend about growing closer to the Lord, she instructed me to read daniel and i started last night. you should check it out. perfect examples in that book: the Lord gives, and takes away. all is His. we are children of the most High and He is the giver. awesome stuff. humbling.

oh man.

so. after my last post i recieved some pretty upsetting news. ironically, after all that stuff i wrote hoping to encourage you all i was the one about to require it the most. i heard news that really just kind of shook me up for a while. devestated me. it was exactly what i needed to hear though. a door in my life has been closed. i feel as if i can finally move past all this hurting and disappointment. i know the Lord desires me to get closer to Him, that is why He allowed this to happen. all of this has really made me think of the things i want in life. specifically, who i want to be with for the rest of my life. what do i even think love is? simply, God is love. it is only by TRULY loving God we can have love for each other; love that is not shaken or destroyed by the ways of this world. i must seek the Lord, my God in expectancy that He will bless me with this kind of love to share with someone else. more importantly, i must fall in a deeper love with the authentic love Himself. God will guide me. the road ahead of me still holds pain and hurt, but i am learning to relay that straight from my heart and lay it in from of Him. i have really, since Converge, felt led to memorize scripture. last night i found myself dwelling on this devestating news and i realized i had little to no scripture memorized. as i was driving, you know what i did? said john 3:16 and blared my christian radio up and started singing. trying to get my mind on things above, not on earthly things. so yeah-my life is not put together at all. i pray for peace and justice. we will all be held accountable for our actions one day, i'm just remembering this in moments where bitterness towards people comes so easily.

you are Lord of all.
you are the ultimate supremacy
you are sovereign, just, and merciful
you are the giver of peace
you are the hope of the nations
in suffering, i cry out to you
in pain, you are the healer
you will deliver me,
rescuing me from the ways of this world
hide me in your heart
draw me near to you
let me confess my heart to you
expecting you to console and comfort.
you alone are great.
there is none like you.